First Ever Pan-Fub Games
Chuck Stough • September 4, 2007
Just as any normal warm up procedure (like a stretch before eating at a buffet, jack before coke, or Coors pop before Belgian) the first ever Pan-FUB games were held this past weekend prior to the actual FUB Olympics coming up on the 22nd of September 2007.
The events were limited to Baggo and Horseballs. The number of players invited was also limited, as the best of the best met up on Lakeshore Drive in Lasalle, Mi. to duke it out in a five man, 10 frame round robin. Drew Stough, Marty “Mar-mar” Stough, Matt “Muhl” Uhl, Mark “Fub” Reynolds and Chuck “Sheepdog” Stough were in for a battle of epic proportions. These five players have won a combined 5 medals between them from the previous 2 FUB Olympic Games. The two other players invited, Ruthie Copeland and Butch Uhl, were both disqualified for showing up late and not drinking enough beer.
The contest was a tight race through the first 6 frames with each and every game a heated contest. The hole outs on baggo and top tier shots on horseballs were plentiful. As one would expect, these champions truly shined even as rain clouds covered the skies. The sweat was dripping, the beers were flowing, the Marlboro Ultra Lights were smoking, and the Party Pot’s … well they were in the kitchen cooking.
In the end it came down to Drew and the Sheepdog, both having a chance for the Gold Medal with only a game of Baggo standing in their way like some fat bastard in front of the wing ding hot-well at Ryan’s. Drew needed to beat Chuck by 14 points in order to attain overall victory. Oh the drama, oh the electricity in the air, oh the humanity!!! Unfortunately for Drew, Muhl and Sheepdog were really on their game quickly getting out to the lead and not looking back. The gold medal went to the Sheepdog who amazingly lost only one game throughout the entire ten frames. He even managed to somehow score more points than the Fub during the events he sat out.
So the stage is set for the Olympics ladies and gents. The past 2 gold medal winners in top form and all participants eagerly awaiting that infamous Saturday morning in September at the St. Ruggles Fairgrounds.
The world's No. 6-ranked player, who had said previously that she "intended" to play in this years FUB Olympics, announced Sep. 13th that she is in fact skipping the 2007 Games, which starts next Saturday at St. Ruggles Fairgrounds. In a statement posted on Becky’s Web site “GoBeckyGo.com”, she said she simply wasn't ready to return to tournament play. "Playing last year in the heat and humidity were mentally and physically draining," Becky said. "and yet I attempted to out-drink my partner to no avail. Although we managed to pull out victories and win the Silver medal, my body is spent and I think I‘m still hung over. Trying to keep up beer-for-beer with my partner Matt was a grueling experience and requires at least two years recovery time." Becky said she'll only play in a tournament if she feels she's prepared to out drink her partner. "This is in no way a knock on the FUB Olympics, which I fully support," Becky said. "I just hope that this extra year of rest will rejuvenate me for the competition in 2008. It is still my goal to out-drink my FUB Olympic partner and I am hopeful this rest will give me the best opportunity to accomplish my goals." As the sixth ranked Fub Athlete in the world, Becky can still be ranked in the top ten without playing in this year’s tournament. However, with Becky skipping the tournament, several other players will have an opportunity to pass her. Lee Huss, who finished behind Becky in the 2006 FUB Olympics, is among the 32 players that will play at this year’s event. He said he didn't know why Becky would bypass the event. "Maybe she just decided it's not a very good time to drink free beer and eat free food while playing yard games, I don't know," Huss told reporters. "If you want to look at it from a party standpoint, maybe she figured she just can’t hang with the big dogs." Contrary to popular opinion, Huss said he doesn't think Becky's absence will dampen the excitement for these years FUB Olympics. "We still have the best field we’ve ever had," Lee said. "One person can't make the tournament. Would she enhance the tournament? Sure, because she's the only player last year that passed out in a tree, but one person doesn't make the party."
Team “What the Hell” member Butchie Uhl plunged forward making a game winning shot in the playoffs, sending him and teammate Kim Minor celebrating their way into the Final Four of the 2006 FUB Olympic Games. Meanwhile Team “Steamin’ Pile” members John “Stud” Stanford and Tara Mack swarmed around him to point at his foot, which they claimed had crossed the foul line. Team “Steamin’ Pile” had prevented a loss in the last few seconds of the game by pointing out the mistake, and gave themselves another chance at victory. Or had they? Non-existing officials ruled that Butchie Uhl had indeed scored, though TV instant replays later showed that he was well over the foul line when the shot was taken. The play gave Team “What the Hell” a one point victory and moved them into the Final Four. It was the second year in a row that a late playoff game controversy marred the reputation of the FUB Olympics. In 2005, Team “Hazelhurst” members Matt “Muhl” Uhl and Jay “Fat-boy” McKeand protested after having to play Jarts twice in a row in the playoffs. Again, non-existing officials determined that they couldn’t have played Jarts the first time because they were sweating profusely after the contest. Thus Team “Hazelhurst” were forced to play Jarts once again, costing them the Myrrh Medal and finishing them in the dreaded Fub place. Because of these controversial calls, the FUB Olympic committee has decided to consider using a video instant replay system. Those in favor of instant replay say that it will, at least, reverse some mistakes made by non-existing officials. Those against it say it will slow down games which, considering the present pace of a Fub-Athlete, would make the games completely unwatchable. A Game in Slow(er) Motion. Although not a perfect system, replay supporters say it would certainly be better than the present system. "Anything is better than what we have now," said Chris Uhl Sr., executive chef, time keeper, score keeper, and owner of St. Ruggles Fairgrounds. "Jeez. I'll even vote for somebody spotting the calls going over the field in a blimp." Because players and fans can watch instant replay on TV, it's only fair that officials get to use them in making calls, replay supporters argue. However the cost of the replay system may be too expensive for the Fub Olympic Committee’s reported “by donation” budget. One thing is for sure, the FUB Olympics will not use the replay system in the 2007 games – but expect there to be a fine-tuning of the foot-foul rule at this year’s contest.
A surprise announcement was released yesterday by Fub-Mar Enterprises. The company issued a recall on all Super Happy Fun Packs used during the 2006 Fub Olympic Games. It seems the glue that was used on the potty book contained toxic ingredients known to cause hair loss, severe b'acne, explosive diarrhea and foot mumps. The potty books were assembled at the Fub-Mar production plant in West Toledo. The employees responsible for the assembly of the fun packs didn't notice the side effects of the glue because they already had all of the symptoms. "We just thought everything was A-Okay." said Enrique Moreno, a 5 year old Mexican boy with a slight under-bite. This is not the first recall in Fub-Mar's history, just 2 years ago their world famous "Euchre; the Board Game" was recalled for using asbestos game boards. The statement released yesterday from the co-founders of Fub-Mar enterprises, Martin Stough and Mark Reynolds, reads as follows: "We at Fub-Mar are very sorry this recall had to be issued. We acted quickly and diligently to rectify the problem and we stand by our work. It was a simple mistake in our glue manufacturing process, instead of using horses we thought we could save a few dollars and use camels instead. Boy! Were we wrong! That was a real Fub-pick!" Fub-Mar Enterprises has already signed a contract through the year 2012 to supply the Fub Olympics with Super Happy Fun Packs. All of the recalled items must be discarded, and new ones will be distributed at the 2007 Fub Olympics.
In the days of constant scandal on nearly every field of sports we have been witness to a multitude of problems. We’ve seen Barry Bonds swell to the size of a small ape with his obvious and not just apparent steroid use. We have seen Michael Vick raise, fight, bet on, and drown pit bulls for his own amusement. We have seen the Kobe Bryant rape trial. We have seen several professional football players in murder trials. (Hell, the entire Cincinnati Bengal roster is on probation) But never before has the sports world been shamed more than by today’s disgraceful news coming from a small suburb of Columbus. The Fub Athlete known only as “The Sheepdog”, has tested positive for illegal substances. As this year’s events are set to kick off on September 22 the Fub Olympic Committee put random blood screenings into place this week to ensure the playing field is even. Although the exact notes are being withheld at this time, an anonymous source has come forward with the startling news. Apparently this so called Fub-Athlete has tested positive for a myriad of different substances; including but not limited to Cheese Wiz, Bacon Grease, Spaghetti Sauce, Heavy Duty Mayonnaise, and Triple Fat Gravy. (Yes that’s right folks, Triple Fat Gravy.) These substances have all been banned by the Fub Olympic Committee as they will obviously give competitors an unfair advantage. According to the Fub Olympic by-laws, the penalty for illegal substances is a minimum one year probation which would mean missing this years events. The Sheepdog is appealing the committee’s finding stating that the substances must have been included in a shake given to him by his trainer and to his knowledge it was the normal bratwurst, pancake, sauerkraut, phily cheese-steak, and coffee fribble blend. At his press conference the Sheepdog was quoted saying, “I’ve done nothing wrong and as soon as the results came in my trainer’s contract was immediately terminated. I have explained the situation to the committee and have full faith that they will make a fair and just decision.” As of now the committee members are reviewing his appeal and will have a final decision by September 15th one week before the games commence. While one Fub Athlete waits in shame, the rest of the world watches for the other turkey leg to drop.
