Becky Uhl Skipping This Year’s FUB Olympics

 Team “What the Hell” member Butchie Uhl plunged forward making a game winning shot in the playoffs, sending him and teammate Kim Minor celebrating their way into the Final Four of the 2006 FUB Olympic Games. Meanwhile Team “Steamin’ Pile” members John “Stud” Stanford and Tara Mack swarmed around him to point at his foot, which they claimed had crossed the foul line. Team “Steamin’ Pile” had prevented a loss in the last few seconds of the game by pointing out the mistake, and gave themselves another chance at victory. Or had they?  Non-existing officials ruled that Butchie Uhl had indeed scored, though TV instant replays later showed that he was well over the foul line when the shot was taken. The play gave Team “What the Hell” a one point victory and moved them into the Final Four. It was the second year in a row that a late playoff game controversy marred the reputation of the FUB Olympics.  In 2005, Team “Hazelhurst” members Matt “Muhl” Uhl and Jay “Fat-boy” McKeand protested after having to play Jarts twice in a row in the playoffs. Again, non-existing officials determined that they couldn’t have played Jarts the first time because they were sweating profusely after the contest. Thus Team “Hazelhurst” were forced to play Jarts once again, costing them the Myrrh Medal and finishing them in the dreaded Fub place.  Because of these controversial calls, the FUB Olympic committee has decided to consider using a video instant replay system. Those in favor of instant replay say that it will, at least, reverse some mistakes made by non-existing officials. Those against it say it will slow down games which, considering the present pace of a Fub-Athlete, would make the games completely unwatchable. A Game in Slow(er) Motion.  Although not a perfect system, replay supporters say it would certainly be better than the present system. "Anything is better than what we have now," said Chris Uhl Sr., executive chef, time keeper, score keeper, and owner of St. Ruggles Fairgrounds. "Jeez. I'll even vote for somebody spotting the calls going over the field in a blimp."  Because players and fans can watch instant replay on TV, it's only fair that officials get to use them in making calls, replay supporters argue. However the cost of the replay system may be too expensive for the Fub Olympic Committee’s reported “by donation” budget. One thing is for sure, the FUB Olympics will not use the replay system in the 2007 games – but expect there to be a fine-tuning of the foot-foul rule at this year’s contest.

 Just as any normal warm up procedure (like a stretch before eating at a buffet, jack before coke, or Coors pop before Belgian) the first ever Pan-FUB games were held this past weekend prior to the actual FUB Olympics coming up on the 22nd of September 2007.  The events were limited to Baggo and Horseballs. The number of players invited was also limited, as the best of the best met up on Lakeshore Drive in Lasalle, Mi. to duke it out in a five man, 10 frame round robin. Drew Stough, Marty “Mar-mar” Stough, Matt “Muhl” Uhl, Mark “Fub” Reynolds and Chuck “Sheepdog” Stough were in for a battle of epic proportions. These five players have won a combined 5 medals between them from the previous 2 FUB Olympic Games. The two other players invited, Ruthie Copeland and Butch Uhl, were both disqualified for showing up late and not drinking enough beer.  The contest was a tight race through the first 6 frames with each and every game a heated contest. The hole outs on baggo and top tier shots on horseballs were plentiful. As one would expect, these champions truly shined even as rain clouds covered the skies. The sweat was dripping, the beers were flowing, the Marlboro Ultra Lights were smoking, and the Party Pot’s … well they were in the kitchen cooking.  In the end it came down to Drew and the Sheepdog, both having a chance for the Gold Medal with only a game of Baggo standing in their way like some fat bastard in front of the wing ding hot-well at Ryan’s. Drew needed to beat Chuck by 14 points in order to attain overall victory. Oh the drama, oh the electricity in the air, oh the humanity!!! Unfortunately for Drew, Muhl and Sheepdog were really on their game quickly getting out to the lead and not looking back. The gold medal went to the Sheepdog who amazingly lost only one game throughout the entire ten frames. He even managed to somehow score more points than the Fub during the events he sat out.  So the stage is set for the Olympics ladies and gents. The past 2 gold medal winners in top form and all participants eagerly awaiting that infamous Saturday morning in September at the St. Ruggles Fairgrounds.

 A surprise announcement was released yesterday by Fub-Mar Enterprises. The company issued a recall on all Super Happy Fun Packs used during the 2006 Fub Olympic Games. It seems the glue that was used on the potty book contained toxic ingredients known to cause hair loss, severe b'acne, explosive diarrhea and foot mumps. The potty books were assembled at the Fub-Mar production plant in West Toledo. The employees responsible for the assembly of the fun packs didn't notice the side effects of the glue because they already had all of the symptoms. "We just thought everything was A-Okay." said Enrique Moreno, a 5 year old Mexican boy with a slight under-bite.  This is not the first recall in Fub-Mar's history, just 2 years ago their world famous "Euchre; the Board Game" was recalled for using asbestos game boards. The statement released yesterday from the co-founders of Fub-Mar enterprises, Martin Stough and Mark Reynolds, reads as follows: "We at Fub-Mar are very sorry this recall had to be issued. We acted quickly and diligently to rectify the problem and we stand by our work. It was a simple mistake in our glue manufacturing process, instead of using horses we thought we could save a few dollars and use camels instead. Boy! Were we wrong! That was a real Fub-pick!" Fub-Mar Enterprises has already signed a contract through the year 2012 to supply the Fub Olympics with Super Happy Fun Packs. All of the recalled items must be discarded, and new ones will be distributed at the 2007 Fub Olympics.